akira's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- change & etc. I hate not having time to myself anymore. Everyone's always around, talking, breathing. I need to start splitting for a couple of hours at night, I need peace. Things are so fucked up for my mind right now. My daughter graduates in less then a month from somewhere that I trust. Hardly any of my family is gonna be there, none of my friends, probably not even her dad. It sucks. Insolence won't even be able to be there.....they got signed you know....lol Gee do you think I'm proud of them?? NAH!! lol There's this chick at work. She's someone that I would call a "good friend" we have nothing in common, listen to different music, dress differently, but for some reason....she's like this kindred soul to me. She knows what I think, how I feel. shit like that. She's funnier then shit. Anyway, I thought this whole healing process from losing J was done...that I just had to move on right....then she comes along...she's got her shit...and all of a sudden it's clear to me. This is my chance to heal completely. I can help her out, and she can help me out. I don't know. I'm reaching. With all of the changes that are going on I can't cope anymore. I want to get fucked up. I want to CHOOSE to say "FUCK YOU LIFE I'M OUT!" but I know that I'm better then that. Granted the opportunity is tempting. Possum OD'd lastnight. He's in the hospital now. I felt sick all day, wanted to get fucked up to stop reliving my past. I don't get how someone could do that shit and think it's gonna make things easier. How it's gonna make life worth living. How he can look at me one minute and tell me he loves me, then turn around and put a needle in his arm and boot up. I can't tell him I hate him for doing it. I don't. I love him, like I always have. He's someone who saved me from death. He's someone who made sure I was safe. He gave me what I thought I needed at the time, never judged. He's someone who let me go nuts when I needed. He's also the next person that I'm gonna lose because I can't stop this thing that he's on. It's more powerful then anything I know. :o( I want to go into the bathroom right now and just slice the shit outta myself. I'm sick of how I feel. I'm sick of wanting to die again. I thought I was past that. I thought that part of my life was over. I hated this feeling when I was with it the first time. I hate it even more now. Fumbling, tripping on thoughts. Falling into blackness. Knowing someone is going through the same thing that I went through is making me want to disappear. I'm so sick inside. How did I become the person that I am? I look at myself, waiting for that "something" that little "spark" and it never comes. This guy John Edward, I'm so obsessed. When I got back from my mom's my boy had bought his book, it was a suprise for me *awwwees all around*. I haven't read much because whenever I read it I end up crying. I realize that all these little things that I dismissed when I saw them were really J trying to tell me he was there. They always happened when I felt like I was losing my mind. Times when I was missing him and I thought I neede drugs or something else. He was there. I wasn't even reaching for him, he was just holding me the entire time. Ave )O( Akira PS Olive Juice baby. I'm trying I swear. - 8 * 2 * 00 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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