akira's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- how refreshing my daughter went with her dad early today. we could have spent the entire day together laying about together. ok granted it was hotter then hades yes, but you know it still would have been nice. she decided that the ps2 should have her undivided. ok fine. it's not like i'm not use to it because i am. ok ya she's gotten better about staying up late after i go to bed, but then again she won't let me go to bed now, she makes me stay up and watch her play. whoo hoo. but i'm not going to sit here and bitch about her anymore. ya right akira. *ding* i use to think that if i just kept fighting that what ever it was that threw my life into it's tail spins would have to give up. like it would see that i'm not some pathetic little bitch who's going to lie back and take shit. but it's not the case. it's just not. about a month or so ago i got this letter from my mom's bank telling me that i owe them $130.00. apparently when someone is collecting disability and ssi and they pass away before the month is completed whatever money they use to live off of for that time is owed to the state. mind you my mom has been gone over a year now and it's just now that i'm getting this information. needless to say i broke down and started crying. i don't have the money to pay the bank and their being really fucking sweet. i mean really fucking sweet. i told them i sent them money when i didn't and they haven't even harrassed me about it. so ya that sucks. *ding* i've been thinking about j a lot lately and i realized a couple of things, things i'm not really happy about actually. i realized that the person that he was before he died wasn't someone that i'm proud of having in my life. the person that he was before he died wasn't the person that i fell in love with, which is why i walked away. when i met him he was SO amazingly passionate. he loved everything. he liked to go out and do things, he liked spending time with me, and my god he was so sweet, and gentle with me. ok ya he would get mad at me and use a harsh tone but it was nothing like it was before he died. he hated seeing me cry and hated being the cause of my crying even more. but after he started using...all that changed. he'd hit me when he got angry. he'd scream at the top of his lungs at me over every little thing. accuse me of fucking around on him, lying to him, doing things that i KNEW i wasn't suppose to be doing behind his back. he didn't care if i cried anymore, he didn't care if he was the cause of it. he just became someone else right in front of my eyes, yet i never saw it. i never understood it. hell i still don't understand it. i asked him once if it he loved doing drugs more then he loved me and he replied "bella, how could you ask me that? of course i don't." i asked him "would you still do anything for me?" he replied "of course baby." i asked him "please stop using j. stop using or let me go forever." he chose to let me go forever. drugs do funny things to people. they make them into people they never would be other wise. i swore after j died i'd never let myself become something i'm not. i refuse to allow myself to become that other personality. after my mom passed away i was drinking and drinking, if you don't believe me read some of my archives whoo hoo. one morning i woke up and looked in the mirror and didn't recognize myself anymore. not because i changed phsyically, though i HAD gained about 100 pounds, or because i was going through this really bad depression, but because i saw this transformation. i was becoming someone who just wasn't real and it scared the living shit outta me. i stopped drinking right then and there. shocked my g/f and loser. i can walk away from anything and act as if it never mattered to me. drugs, booze, people. imagine. starting over. how refreshing. ave )O( akira - august 10 02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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