akira's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- suprise suprise And she comes back with conviction. Well not really but it sure sounds good doesn't it? It's been err...umm..forever since I've written though I'm online often. Life lately has been less then stellar. Dealing with my mom's death rather trying to hide from dealing with it has been more then draining. I realized early on that it was going to be a battle with myself. I didn't have what people call the "Proper Time to Mourn" after her death because I was left soully incharge of putting together her memorial, plus I had to get the house cleaned out and deal with my uncle and Nana's bullshit. It's only now that I'm able to hurt and even now it's not openly. I hate being around my house when my daughter's not home and everyone else is. I don't like being around people that want to fix me or touch me. It's irritating. I have all these little things in my head going on moving about bumping into eachother and then someone says something and poof there's something else. But I can't just run away, though I try trust me. I've cut back on the drinking. I stopped cutting myself and burning myself. But I also hide. I don't tell anyone what's up. I should be writing more often then I do. Expelling thoughts, feelings, emotions. But even if I could find the words to describe what's going on inside my head. I'm never left alone long enough without someone staring at me wanting me to get off the computer/online. Or questioning me when I'm getting offline. Sure I have the time when my daughters at school and the boys are at work, but that's the time I use to clean the house and pick up after everyone. Or I just lose it curl up and bawl for a couple of hours. Ya I know. Poor Akira. Doens't have to work. Get's the house to herself for three hours a day. Doesn't have to worry about paying bills (because I don't bother to). Get's money given to her at will by basically everyone. DAMN I AM A BITCH! hehe I'm thankful for everything that everyone does for me. With exception of my daughter's father. He's just a fuck face at times. I AM trying to get a job now though. I think having my own money might make me feel better then feeling like a freeloader all the time. Plus I think I need to move out of here with just my daughter. I'm not sure yet. I know that if I do decide to move out I'm gonna have a fucking huge fight on my hands with everyone. The last time I tried to go and stay with my mom for a while I had a fight with the boys then ended up giving in to them and not going. But fuck them now. They made me lose out on being with my mom, they made my daughter lose out on knowing her grandmother better. NO WAIT! It's not totally their fault. I'm to blame too. I should have stuck to my guns and gone anyway. But this time, if I choose to leave I will. No matter what anyone tells me. I've gotta do what's right for ME now not worry about anyone's feelings at this point. Fuck I'm hiding everything I'm feeling for the benifit of everyone EXCEPT me. But again it's just something I'm thinking about. It's not written in stone, nor is it something that I think I could handle doing. Then again maybe I could. I didn't think I could handle alot of things I'm dealing with. Sometimes I even suprise myself. Ave )O( Akira - 4 * 5 * 01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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