akira's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- drunk shit I have thoughts that I OBVIOUSLY cannot say or think. Their wrong. Their hurtful. I can't talk about them. I can't think them. I'm so far gone tonight. I'm so fucking sick right now. I'm drunk. Go fig. So tell me how to be a good girl. Forgive me but I THOUGHT I was being good. WHATEVER! All this time has just been bullshit. All this shit I've been good through. It's just a waste of time. Try and try as I might it's just a waste of time on my part. I'm happy for the first time in FOREVER. I know that people I've lost are there for me. I'm sick of hiding from the world. I'm sick of playing the part of "the strong one" I'm hurting. I'm sick. I'm sad. FUCK YOU for making me feel weak. FUCK YOU FOR MAKING ME HURT MORE! I miss him. I miss EVERYONE! I WILL forget when I'm ready. I WILL heal when I can. Right now I can't. Right now......I'm still sad. Right now I'm still missing my soul. The soul that taught me to be me. The me YOU fell in love with. The ME that I, AM, Fucking forgive me already. I'm sorry. I'm TRYING to be the best I can be. I KNOW my mistakes. I REALIZE who I'm hurting. Beyond your self centered mind, I'm still hurting ME. I'm making myself sick. ME I love you. I always will. I can't lose you. I WON'T lose you Oops. I want to run away from this life I've created. I want to have that life I had, the happiness. That total contentment. That knowing that I can lay in bed with someone that I love and not jeopardize EVERTHING for it. It's my life. It's my choice where I go. It's MINE alone to exist. As much as I love you. As much as I depend on you. I WILL walk away, if I have to. If it benefits my daughter. If it benefits me. I'm such a cold hearted bitch. I'm just like his mother. JUST FUCKING LIKE HER! Sara, no matter what you say....she's a fucking waste of flesh, a waste of air, a waste of flesh on this earth as far as I'm concerned. He's been with me less the a lifetime and he's fucking supporting family of 4. SO FUCK YOU. I think about how we met...*smile* it's like a Jerry Springer episode. Online, love at first type. lol He held everything within him that I needed at that time. Still does. He holds my heart. He holds my soul. Always will. I may stray. I may hide. I may deny. But my heart lies within him. He's my soul mate for this time in my life, he's my balance I lost when J died. HE'S the reason I even tried to get online when I did. *smile* My brother told me when I was signing up for AOL that I was gonna "heal from everything here on AOL" exact words. Thank you for everything being there. Thank you for understanding when I think you didn't. Thank you for knowing I'm honest. Akira - ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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