akira's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- all grown up let see how long before i get the "attitude" from voo about being online. . i signed the lease for my apartment today. notice i said MY apartment. no one else is on the lease but ME! it's my place, no one can kick me out, no one can tell me it's "their" roof and i need to do this this way or that because it's "their" place. whoo hoo yay me. now i'm doomed to work for the rest of me life just to be able to have that kind of freedom. my daughter's got the bedroom and voo and i are on the floor in the living room. i've got nothing but an end table, a phone, my computer and my girls, and i'm happy with that. who wouldn't be. *ding* she keeps emailing me, my "sister" that is. she wants to know if i'm alright with the information that she's given me. i have no intention of letting anyone know if it's bothering me or not. the new information that i've got about him and her is something that i have to think about. *ding* i need to go out, and i'm not just talking about going to see my band play on the 29th at slims in san francisco, hint hint hint if anyone's in the area. i'm talking about going out and letting the music posses my soul. i'm starting to go crazy without music. i'm irritable, more so then normal that is, i'm sad inside, and i feel like i'm dying. the music, the lights, the throbbing beat of the bass, all of it keeps me alive, keeps me happy with being alive. don't get me wrong, i can't wait to see brett onstage and listen to him sing and radiate, and listen to the band and feel the music wrap around me like a cocoon, but it's the something different right now that i'm needing. that i'm fiending for. nothing has ever been able to keep me happy like music, not drugs, not voo, not my daughter. it keeps me at peace. here's the problem, voo knows this, but she doesn't agree with how i am. she doesn't like the fact that i am who i am, not mature, not sensible, not trust worthy. i have this life, i don't know how to be anyone else. god i give up. and this is my life now. i've got an apartment. i've got a job. so does this mean i'm grown up? damn it. )O( Akira 8:58 p.m. - september 9th 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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